We all look back to our teenage
years with nostalgia for the highs: a triumphant sports event, red
carnations as the curtain closed on a musical, friendships that
meant the world, graduation, a teacher who made an extra effort to
care.
And yet we can’t help but
remember the low points, so much so that most of us would never
want to go back to being a teenager again. There may have been
feelings of inadequacy in the classroom, on the field, among
peers. Or there were unmet academic expectations, a tightly
knotted stomach on test days, first dates, pimples, car accidents
and questions about sexuality.
Today, as a parent armed with
memory, you strive to make adolescence as painless as possible –
and hopefully pleasant – for your son or daughter. Following are
tips to consider when relating to your children on their
rollercoaster ride through the teens.
You can’t fix everything.
Teenagers must solve many
problems for themselves. You should, however, make yourself
available to your son or daughter, ask questions and talk about
your feelings. If you are open with them, they are more likely to
speak freely with you.
Communication is key
Learn new ways to talk and
listen with each other and practice them regularly. You’ll not
only gain a better sense of whether to step in or back off with
your teen, you will also help your teen become a better
communicator outside the home. Just being able to talk
constructively about emotional lows will make them more manageable
for your son or daughter.
Be aware of more drastic
changes.
Falling grades, a new group of
friends, isolation and changes in eating or sleeping habits are
just a few of the warning signs for eating disorders, drug
addiction and depression. While these are serious problems, they
are all treatable. Talk with school counselors and other health
care professionals. Ignoring problems will never make them go
away.
Be there whenever possible.
For parents who work long hours,
it’s sometimes difficult to cheer on your teen from the sidelines,
to get to parent-teacher conferences or just to be home for
dinner. Set aside time whenever possible for your teen’s high
moments, and make enough time to become aware of the lows. When
you can’t be there, let your son or daughter know why and make a
date to talk – even if it’s while you’re grocery shopping.
Good grades don’t always mean
everything is OK.
It’s just as important to stay
tuned in to your teen with the top grades as it is to the one
struggling academically. Straight "As" don’t mean an easy
adolescence. When we think back on our own childhood, we don’t
remember an "A" fondly. We remember experiences. What kind of
experiences is your son or daughter having?
Effective Talk
Good communication is the aim
with our children, but just how do we accomplish that? Following
are two strategies – active listening and the use of "I-messages"
– that open the door for better relations.
Active listening is a way
of drawing people out. It entails feeding people’s messages back
to them to better understand their feelings and help them come to
their own conclusions. Active listening takes patience, so if you
don’t have time, say so and make a point to talk later. Below is a
conversation between a father and son, as cited in an educational
textbook* that demonstrates the skill:
Allen: Do I have to get up?
Father: You don’t feel
like playing baseball today?
Allen: I’ll miss messing
around with my friends.
Father: You’d rather mess
around with your friends than play baseball?
Allen: Yes. We have fun
together.
Father: It’s not fun to
play baseball?
Allen: No. Sometimes
other guys razz me when I don’t get a hit.
Father: You don’t like
being teased.
Allen: It makes me feel
like I’m not a very good player.
Father: You’d like to be
good at baseball?
Allen: Yes. I felt
terrific that day I got that base hit.
Father: Would you like to
practice before the game?
Allen: Hey, Dad, that’d
be great. I’ll get dressed.
Good communication also entails
letting your teen know how you feel. But even the best-intentioned
parents more often give orders. In the situation above, the father
could have barked, "Get up now." He could have warned, "If I have
to tell you one more time, you’re not going to play baseball
again." Or he may have moralized, "You have a responsibility to
your team. Let’s get moving."
All these statements place the
boy on the defensive. Nobody likes being told what to do, warned
or made to feel wrong. The alternative is to use an
I-message: "I wish our Saturday mornings were easier. This is
frustrating to me. Is there something you would like to tell me
about baseball practice?" This gives the teen an opportunity to
understand how his actions affect others, and it opens the door
for him to express his emotions.
*Adolescence: Continuity,
Change and Diversity, Fourth Edition, by
Nancy J. Cobb. Published by Mayfield Publishing Company.
